I will not open this book until I am worthy,
Until each new awakening is welcome
I will not wear God like some chic veil,
Designed to make the wretched profess proper intent
I will not believe the officious,
Proud of their vulgar scrutinies,
Like childhood's wrath against age
I will not be so blind,
To mismatch love and anguish at a certain time
I will not go back on this in search of answers
So passion-less and vague
Not I
I will storm your houses with the foods of his love,
Dressed lightly in that most fine
Unparalysed
By the miracle of your enormous gift,
Such hospitality in every corner of our heart
As may become our kingdom even now
I will dance so fiercely and upwards
As we gaze unknowing
Into absolute eternity
An end to thinning
Eruptions of fat grace
Saturating each Earthly place
I fear to tread.
Monday, 11 October 2010
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Uncertainty Rules
Not to give myself airs, but I think there's a degree of wisdom inherent in my own uncertainty. I'm never certain of anything; I recognise that life is full of change and I have learned to adapt and cope through intense adversity and loss. By being prepared for change, I am never settled it's true, but I am neither foolish enough to be caught in an illusion of security. I walk this planet in the hope that I will reach the end ready to say 'I helped'. That is all. But is it enough? Just how much can one achieve in a single lifetime of self-interest and perpetual uncertainty?
Oh, by the way I have found certainty but I NEVER aspired to it. Or rather, certainty has found me. I am certain God loves me. In fact, he loves us all. We just need to accept him to truly discover it. I sat down last night and I was confronted by a brief vision of a small text reference: Ephesians 2. 'Why Ephesians 2?' I thought to myself - then I remembered that I have been praying a lot recently for a vision or a sign from God to allow me to uncover my true purpose in life. Some kind of clue to my calling. I was not familiar with the book of Ephesians, in fact I had never read it before, although I dare say I will have heard it quoted, but I couldn't possibly tell you where or when. So I read it of course. Here's what it says:
Imagine what it must be like to be living in dire poverty in somewhere like India, in Calcutta say, surrounded by the constant reality of disease and hunger and death. The only thing certain in that situation is that you will die, most likely as a result of a condition which would seem intolerably bad in Britain. Imagine being homeless, having no food, no clean clothing, no bed, no money, no fresh water, no phone, no shoes, no rights, no future, no education, no prospects, no material possessions, no hope. In our comfort and ignorance, we forget how close we are to that reality, not just in economic terms, but also spiritually and compassionately as brothers to all. I'm not just referring to Christians either. We are all bound to each other, inextricably, through the passage of life and death. We are One in God's eyes. We therefore have a moral and spiritual obligation to accept foreign strangers as our own family members, to embrace them, serve them and love them in their entirety and give ourselves to them. Mother Teresa knew this. She dedicated her entire life to alleviating the suffering of those less fortunate than her and never took anything in return, unless it could be used for further benefit to others. And many dying people were able to pass over in peace and comfort in spite of having suffered their entire lives from the corruption and destruction and sin of monetary greed. Of course, fully sanctified as she was, Mother Teresa denounced all material interest in this world and made a living sacrifice of herself for the good of her neighbours. Exactly as Christ instructs us to. So why the heck are we not listening? Why are we not following suit? Why do we insist on living our lives as hamsters, stuck in a never-ending cycle of earn to spend? Is it the uncertainty of letting go and taking up a lifetime's commitment to spiritual service? It's worse than that. It's not even doubt; if it were a simple question of doubt, we would all be convinced by now. It is the unshakeable uncertainty of Fear. And if we continue our joint refusal to accept what we are called to do, then we really do have something to be scared of.
When you accept Jesus, nothing will remain certain. Except the one TRUE certainty, which is that you will have finally realised your reason for living. I put it off for many years and I thank God that I was found. Now I can set about making a difference. Are you certain you won't join me?
Oh, by the way I have found certainty but I NEVER aspired to it. Or rather, certainty has found me. I am certain God loves me. In fact, he loves us all. We just need to accept him to truly discover it. I sat down last night and I was confronted by a brief vision of a small text reference: Ephesians 2. 'Why Ephesians 2?' I thought to myself - then I remembered that I have been praying a lot recently for a vision or a sign from God to allow me to uncover my true purpose in life. Some kind of clue to my calling. I was not familiar with the book of Ephesians, in fact I had never read it before, although I dare say I will have heard it quoted, but I couldn't possibly tell you where or when. So I read it of course. Here's what it says:
Made Alive in Christ
1As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful naturea and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
One in Christ
11Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called “uncircumcised” by those who call themselves “the circumcision” (that done in the body by the hands of men)— 12remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.
14For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.
19Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
Imagine what it must be like to be living in dire poverty in somewhere like India, in Calcutta say, surrounded by the constant reality of disease and hunger and death. The only thing certain in that situation is that you will die, most likely as a result of a condition which would seem intolerably bad in Britain. Imagine being homeless, having no food, no clean clothing, no bed, no money, no fresh water, no phone, no shoes, no rights, no future, no education, no prospects, no material possessions, no hope. In our comfort and ignorance, we forget how close we are to that reality, not just in economic terms, but also spiritually and compassionately as brothers to all. I'm not just referring to Christians either. We are all bound to each other, inextricably, through the passage of life and death. We are One in God's eyes. We therefore have a moral and spiritual obligation to accept foreign strangers as our own family members, to embrace them, serve them and love them in their entirety and give ourselves to them. Mother Teresa knew this. She dedicated her entire life to alleviating the suffering of those less fortunate than her and never took anything in return, unless it could be used for further benefit to others. And many dying people were able to pass over in peace and comfort in spite of having suffered their entire lives from the corruption and destruction and sin of monetary greed. Of course, fully sanctified as she was, Mother Teresa denounced all material interest in this world and made a living sacrifice of herself for the good of her neighbours. Exactly as Christ instructs us to. So why the heck are we not listening? Why are we not following suit? Why do we insist on living our lives as hamsters, stuck in a never-ending cycle of earn to spend? Is it the uncertainty of letting go and taking up a lifetime's commitment to spiritual service? It's worse than that. It's not even doubt; if it were a simple question of doubt, we would all be convinced by now. It is the unshakeable uncertainty of Fear. And if we continue our joint refusal to accept what we are called to do, then we really do have something to be scared of.
When you accept Jesus, nothing will remain certain. Except the one TRUE certainty, which is that you will have finally realised your reason for living. I put it off for many years and I thank God that I was found. Now I can set about making a difference. Are you certain you won't join me?
Friday, 24 September 2010
Honestly, I never expected this to happen...
So this is where it starts. I read recently that most blogs are either expressions of yearning or cries for attention. Mine is both. The yearning I speak of is seldom given room for expression in everyday discourse; the attention I am craving is for something far more important and profound than I can describe in one post. Hence the blog thing. Maybe it's been building up over years. Perhaps it's spontaneous. Whichever. Bit of both.
I will not lie to you: this year has been HARD. To summarise in black & white, it went like this: bereavement, depression, separation, stagnation. Pause. Reconnection, rejection, a Calling. What was that? Then:
Re-awakening, healing, loving, discovering....
And so to now.
In some respects nothing has changed at all. In some respects everything is different. All that happened, as far as I can describe without resorting to endless cliches and paraphrasing, is that God found me. Exactly when I needed him. I have deliberately avoided the details of this past year, for reasons of respect to others. Perhaps I will delve into that stuff later, but for now I am compelled to share the very beginnings of my very personal Transformation. In an effort to understand, to come to terms with what is happening right now, to share what I believe is extremely good news and maybe to hear some stories from others....
I guess the truth is I was seeking God. I didn't know it, but I was. I think what surprised me the most was that he responded. I sat on the Divine Mobile and bum-called Jesus. I must have saved his number and forgotten. And he answered. Now just so as we are clear, I am not on a conversion mission. I am no Evangelist. Although with enough study, I see no reason not to become one, if people are willing to listen. I simply feel a compelling desire to tell people that God listens. This is the urge I feel now, partly the result of being shown a new kind of communication. With the Divine. I know, it sounds like a 60's watchword used by rubbish wannabe mediums, but it's nothing remotely sinister I can assure you. I was so surprised to discover such a benevolent force on the other end of the phone, that I am afraid I was just drawn right in. Nowadays I've quit using the phone since the battery can't handle it.
So I began to speak to God as a friend and confidant, as if he was right with me at all times. And to my astonishment, he began to respond, in all sorts of ways I would never have expected. Seriously, I kid you not. Some things I asked for, he knew instantly were for self-gratification and told me where to go. Others which were in keeping with my needs, he grants quickly. So I learned fast to pray wisely. Now when I pray, I ask for all those who have caused me any pain in the past to be forgiven fully. I also ask for forgiveness for myself. Essential if you sin as much as I have. Then I pray for others to be healed, to be given faith, courage, protection, love, providence, hope, safety, new opportunities, food, money, comfort and much more.
It works. It is only a question of faith.
I discovered that I can intercede for others, by investing substantial faith and study in God's love and the Word. So my journey has begun. I am redefining my time, my energy, my inner workings, my actions, my perspective, my aims and my purpose through a connection with God. I tell you now, I NEVER expected it. I turned my back on religion for most of my life, cynically choosing to see it as a justification for corrupt ideologies and a vain attempt to explain existence. How blind we all can be. I confess my ignorance; I just never took a vested interest in the church. It seemed distant, irrelevant, even pretentious. At times, I think the church is distant, at times it chooses safety over radical interference. It will seem irrelevant to many, especially in the face of continuing poverty and war. And those church representatives who pretend to practice the Word and secretly hide away in suburban obscurity while others suffer, well God help them.
Being born again into faith is also deeply confusing, challenging and unsettling. It literally keeps me up at night, my friends think I am going crazy and my bookshelf is crammed full of religious texts at the moment. Strangely, I have difficulty describing my journey to other believers. Sometimes, a part of me knows that we all question the sincerity of our commitments to Jesus' example. After all, if we are expected to serve others at all times, how come we are so inward-looking ? Such thoughts can be prohibitive of course. It is far more productive and rewarding to accept Jesus without explanation. It's also easier. But to any disbelievers, I will only say this: Trust, and you will be accepted. Have faith, and God will work with you.
Now I attend church every Sunday. I go to CCE (Community Church Edinburgh) and I am making good friends there. It is open, it is uninhibited, it is spiritually accepting. But it is not enough. I need God to enter my life and instruct my every waking thought, action and idea. I need his sanctification, for my being to bear his fruits. I also firmly believe that the essence of the church should be community. I am looking for connections, for interdependence, for creative souls to carry out the Kingdom on Earth. So bring it on.
http://www.cce.uk.net/
I will not lie to you: this year has been HARD. To summarise in black & white, it went like this: bereavement, depression, separation, stagnation. Pause. Reconnection, rejection, a Calling. What was that? Then:
Re-awakening, healing, loving, discovering....
And so to now.
In some respects nothing has changed at all. In some respects everything is different. All that happened, as far as I can describe without resorting to endless cliches and paraphrasing, is that God found me. Exactly when I needed him. I have deliberately avoided the details of this past year, for reasons of respect to others. Perhaps I will delve into that stuff later, but for now I am compelled to share the very beginnings of my very personal Transformation. In an effort to understand, to come to terms with what is happening right now, to share what I believe is extremely good news and maybe to hear some stories from others....
I guess the truth is I was seeking God. I didn't know it, but I was. I think what surprised me the most was that he responded. I sat on the Divine Mobile and bum-called Jesus. I must have saved his number and forgotten. And he answered. Now just so as we are clear, I am not on a conversion mission. I am no Evangelist. Although with enough study, I see no reason not to become one, if people are willing to listen. I simply feel a compelling desire to tell people that God listens. This is the urge I feel now, partly the result of being shown a new kind of communication. With the Divine. I know, it sounds like a 60's watchword used by rubbish wannabe mediums, but it's nothing remotely sinister I can assure you. I was so surprised to discover such a benevolent force on the other end of the phone, that I am afraid I was just drawn right in. Nowadays I've quit using the phone since the battery can't handle it.
So I began to speak to God as a friend and confidant, as if he was right with me at all times. And to my astonishment, he began to respond, in all sorts of ways I would never have expected. Seriously, I kid you not. Some things I asked for, he knew instantly were for self-gratification and told me where to go. Others which were in keeping with my needs, he grants quickly. So I learned fast to pray wisely. Now when I pray, I ask for all those who have caused me any pain in the past to be forgiven fully. I also ask for forgiveness for myself. Essential if you sin as much as I have. Then I pray for others to be healed, to be given faith, courage, protection, love, providence, hope, safety, new opportunities, food, money, comfort and much more.
It works. It is only a question of faith.
I discovered that I can intercede for others, by investing substantial faith and study in God's love and the Word. So my journey has begun. I am redefining my time, my energy, my inner workings, my actions, my perspective, my aims and my purpose through a connection with God. I tell you now, I NEVER expected it. I turned my back on religion for most of my life, cynically choosing to see it as a justification for corrupt ideologies and a vain attempt to explain existence. How blind we all can be. I confess my ignorance; I just never took a vested interest in the church. It seemed distant, irrelevant, even pretentious. At times, I think the church is distant, at times it chooses safety over radical interference. It will seem irrelevant to many, especially in the face of continuing poverty and war. And those church representatives who pretend to practice the Word and secretly hide away in suburban obscurity while others suffer, well God help them.
Being born again into faith is also deeply confusing, challenging and unsettling. It literally keeps me up at night, my friends think I am going crazy and my bookshelf is crammed full of religious texts at the moment. Strangely, I have difficulty describing my journey to other believers. Sometimes, a part of me knows that we all question the sincerity of our commitments to Jesus' example. After all, if we are expected to serve others at all times, how come we are so inward-looking ? Such thoughts can be prohibitive of course. It is far more productive and rewarding to accept Jesus without explanation. It's also easier. But to any disbelievers, I will only say this: Trust, and you will be accepted. Have faith, and God will work with you.
Now I attend church every Sunday. I go to CCE (Community Church Edinburgh) and I am making good friends there. It is open, it is uninhibited, it is spiritually accepting. But it is not enough. I need God to enter my life and instruct my every waking thought, action and idea. I need his sanctification, for my being to bear his fruits. I also firmly believe that the essence of the church should be community. I am looking for connections, for interdependence, for creative souls to carry out the Kingdom on Earth. So bring it on.
http://www.cce.uk.net/
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