So this is where it starts. I read recently that most blogs are either expressions of yearning or cries for attention. Mine is both. The yearning I speak of is seldom given room for expression in everyday discourse; the attention I am craving is for something far more important and profound than I can describe in one post. Hence the blog thing. Maybe it's been building up over years. Perhaps it's spontaneous. Whichever. Bit of both.
I will not lie to you: this year has been HARD. To summarise in black & white, it went like this: bereavement, depression, separation, stagnation. Pause. Reconnection, rejection, a Calling. What was that? Then:
Re-awakening, healing, loving, discovering....
And so to now.
In some respects nothing has changed at all. In some respects everything is different. All that happened, as far as I can describe without resorting to endless cliches and paraphrasing, is that God found me. Exactly when I needed him. I have deliberately avoided the details of this past year, for reasons of respect to others. Perhaps I will delve into that stuff later, but for now I am compelled to share the very beginnings of my very personal Transformation. In an effort to understand, to come to terms with what is happening right now, to share what I believe is extremely good news and maybe to hear some stories from others....
I guess the truth is I was seeking God. I didn't know it, but I was. I think what surprised me the most was that he responded. I sat on the Divine Mobile and bum-called Jesus. I must have saved his number and forgotten. And he answered. Now just so as we are clear, I am not on a conversion mission. I am no Evangelist. Although with enough study, I see no reason not to become one, if people are willing to listen. I simply feel a compelling desire to tell people that God listens. This is the urge I feel now, partly the result of being shown a new kind of communication. With the Divine. I know, it sounds like a 60's watchword used by rubbish wannabe mediums, but it's nothing remotely sinister I can assure you. I was so surprised to discover such a benevolent force on the other end of the phone, that I am afraid I was just drawn right in. Nowadays I've quit using the phone since the battery can't handle it.
So I began to speak to God as a friend and confidant, as if he was right with me at all times. And to my astonishment, he began to respond, in all sorts of ways I would never have expected. Seriously, I kid you not. Some things I asked for, he knew instantly were for self-gratification and told me where to go. Others which were in keeping with my needs, he grants quickly. So I learned fast to pray wisely. Now when I pray, I ask for all those who have caused me any pain in the past to be forgiven fully. I also ask for forgiveness for myself. Essential if you sin as much as I have. Then I pray for others to be healed, to be given faith, courage, protection, love, providence, hope, safety, new opportunities, food, money, comfort and much more.
It works. It is only a question of faith.
I discovered that I can intercede for others, by investing substantial faith and study in God's love and the Word. So my journey has begun. I am redefining my time, my energy, my inner workings, my actions, my perspective, my aims and my purpose through a connection with God. I tell you now, I NEVER expected it. I turned my back on religion for most of my life, cynically choosing to see it as a justification for corrupt ideologies and a vain attempt to explain existence. How blind we all can be. I confess my ignorance; I just never took a vested interest in the church. It seemed distant, irrelevant, even pretentious. At times, I think the church is distant, at times it chooses safety over radical interference. It will seem irrelevant to many, especially in the face of continuing poverty and war. And those church representatives who pretend to practice the Word and secretly hide away in suburban obscurity while others suffer, well God help them.
Being born again into faith is also deeply confusing, challenging and unsettling. It literally keeps me up at night, my friends think I am going crazy and my bookshelf is crammed full of religious texts at the moment. Strangely, I have difficulty describing my journey to other believers. Sometimes, a part of me knows that we all question the sincerity of our commitments to Jesus' example. After all, if we are expected to serve others at all times, how come we are so inward-looking ? Such thoughts can be prohibitive of course. It is far more productive and rewarding to accept Jesus without explanation. It's also easier. But to any disbelievers, I will only say this: Trust, and you will be accepted. Have faith, and God will work with you.
Now I attend church every Sunday. I go to CCE (Community Church Edinburgh) and I am making good friends there. It is open, it is uninhibited, it is spiritually accepting. But it is not enough. I need God to enter my life and instruct my every waking thought, action and idea. I need his sanctification, for my being to bear his fruits. I also firmly believe that the essence of the church should be community. I am looking for connections, for interdependence, for creative souls to carry out the Kingdom on Earth. So bring it on.
http://www.cce.uk.net/
No comments:
Post a Comment